The last few days haven't been too eventful! Not that I'm complaining, I think it's always nice to have a break from chaotic days. The day before yesterday I started following my friends advice and began prepping my meals to help keep me on track towards my fitness goals. I made a few pieces of chicken, a couple pieces of tilapia, brown rice, hard boiled eggs and a mix of veggies. I felt VERY accomplished (see pic below!) it wasn't that it was difficult but I was measuring everything out to the right amount and getting it all in to the neat little rows of tupperware I had set up was very gratifying. Yes, clearly I have a touch of OCD :) Are you just now noticing? I have to admit it was so much easier having everything ready to go, however, I have to admit I was slightly bummed when I realized that the 10 containers of food I had prepped was only going to get me through 2 days or so. I thought to myself, that's it? I figured I would have food for days and days! I imagine it will be better once I establish a system (hello type A) but I also realized that it can get EXPENSIVE to eat whole, clean food on a regular basis. How crazy is that? It's easier and cheaper to buy junky food that does icky things to your body than it is to buy clean, healthy things! The other thing I noticed is that it is going to be an adjustment to eat that many small meals in a day. I am really excited because measuring the portions out ensures that I'm not overly full or starving all of the time which I love! My trainer told me that I don't eat enough, which would definitely explain why my metabolism is out of whack. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can get it back on track quickly. I made the decision to skip the gym this morning, today being my longer day there because I was EXHAUSTED yesterday and woke up feeling the first stags of a migraine coming on. I'm trying to be very aware of what my body is telling me and today felt like I needed rest, but if I'm being perfectly honest, I felt very guilty for not going today. I know that seems crazy, it wasn't like I was doing anything wrong but I still felt that way. I think one of the key things I need to work on is BALANCE! There needs to be balance in my life to ensure that things don't get too crazy. I don't want to over train and hurt myself, or not eat enough and mess up my metabolism or feel guilty for taking a rest day. I need to find the right balance for me and keep reminding myself that it is ok to rest :) I am will be right back to the gym in the morning anyway, I think my rest day did me a world of good.
I titled this post being honest for a reason, and no, it wasn't because I fessed up to ditching the gym today! Tomorrow is my 25th birthday and if I am being perfectly honest, I am DREADING it. There are so many feelings tied to this birthday tomorrow. Now, before I get to far ahead of myself it is not that I think 25 is old by any stretch, that is not the cause of all of my anxiety. I think the reason I am dreading this birthday is that I feel like I should be in a much different place in my life than I am currently. I feel like I haven't accomplished very much and that makes me sad. Growing up I was incredibly ambitious and I had these huge goals and dreams and I imagined myself in a very different place than I am currently. Perhaps I'm having quarter-life crisis.. I'm not sure... There are so many things that I wish were different right now. I wish I had been able to stay full time in school so I had my degree by now. I wish there wasn't a 3 year waiting list at EVERY nursing school I've applied to. I wish I was in better shape. I wish I had been able to start traveling and actually get a stamp on my passport. The list goes on and on. I really hesitated about writing this post, the reason being that I do not want this to come across as me being ungrateful for the many, many blessings in my life, nor do I want it to seem like I'm having a pity party for myself. It's just that the last several years of my life have been a challenge and I've tried to stay upbeat and positive and tonight I'm so frustrated and apprehensive about tomorrow. I suppose I thought I would have so many things figured out by 25, who I was, what I wanted to be, where I wanted to be and the truth is, I just don't know right now and that scares me... a LOT. I look around at my friends and see these amazing lives they are leading and they seem to have it all figured out and I am SO THRILLED for them. I have been wondering lately though, when will it be my turn to have it figured out? Those of you who know me well know that I like to have a plan and know what my next step is, actually my next several steps, so not knowing is hard. I've talked to a few people about this and I've spent a lot of time in prayer, but so far these feelings have not gone away. I know that everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan for my life, I just wish He would clue me in a little more as to what that plan entails. I just realized that if I was still living in the south I would already be 25, yikes! This is the first birthday I have ever encountered that I have dreaded and I certainly hope it's the last. I have a blessed life and wonderful family and friends and I am thankful for so many things but right now, in this moment, I'm terrified of the unknown. I feel like I should have accomplished so much more than I have and that I am like a hamster in a wheel, running as fast as I can and not getting anywhere. I feel very lost, and have felt this way for some time but there is something about tomorrow that feels very final, like it is a huge turning point and I don't know where to head next. I suppose I could go on for pages about my dread and apprehension, but I won't! Sheesh, if you've read this far without quitting I love you! Thank you to all of you who are there for me, I love you all. Has anyone felt this way before? I am in a pretty big funk and I'm just not sure how to bring myself out of it this time. Hopefully soon I can put my sassy pants back on and grab life by the reins but for now I'm confused, scared, lonely and anxious, perhaps that's ok every now and then. If any of y'all have felt this way before and would like to share I would be grateful :) However, I also realize that sharing this is very personal and many people don't want to broadcast their fears and doubts... I'm not even sure I want to, but it's too late to turn back now! Anyway, to quote Scarlett O'Hara "Tomorrow is another day!" I am hopeful that things will change soon and I can get back to being my perky self :) Thank you for reading! Thank you for letting me be brutally honest, I appreciate you :)
I wish the best for you my lovelies,
S
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